EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE US IN THE 1950’s
BRAD PITT and some UNKNOWN ACTRESS are playing in the garden with THEIR CHILDREN. Judging by his facial expression, he is obviously playing a domesticated version of his INGLORIOUS BASTERDS character. MYSTERIOUS MUSIC plays offscreen and no dialogue is heard. This goes on FOR AGES.
Whoaa this must have some deep meaning about the origins of mankind.
It’s just Brad Pitt, playing in the garden. He paid the movie, so i have to give him some screentime, no?
CUT to a similar scene, which goes on FOR AGES. DRAMATICAL MUSIC plays. The UNKNOWN ACTRESS has a WHISPERING VOICE OVER which goes on FOR AGES.
UNKNOWN ACTRESS (voice over)
I don’t have any dialogue after this until the end of the movie, so i will fill my time with incoherent phrases to confuse the half of the audience that came to see Brad Pitt, and mystify the other half.
Whoaaa! There is a symbolic meaning to this!
All right. We are now 30 minutes in the movie. Let’s repeat the previous scenes twice and then let a character we haven’t even met die in an offscreen accident, followed by a scene with the reactions of his parents, which we haven’t really met either.
INT. PRESENT. SOME BUILDING IN MANHATTAN
SEAN PENN is staring in the DISTANCE, uttering INCOHERENT PHRASES about the PREVIOUSLY DECEASED CHARACTER mentioned before, which has to make clear to the audience that he is BRAD PITT’s SON. DRAMATICAL MUSIC plays offscreen. CUT to SEAN PENN in the DESERT. CUT to SEAN PENN on a SALT PLAIN. CUT to SEAN PENN in his office. This goes on FOR AGES.
What the…. How did I end up in the desert? And how did i end up in this movie?
I paid you, didn’t I?
OK. Now that we have introduced the main characters…
You did? When did that happen?
Nevermind. Now that we are 20 minutes in our movie…
20 minutes? You made this look like one hour!
Stop interrupting me!
OK, you’ve asked for it. Time for Amoebae!
The HISTORY OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM and LIFE ON EARTH is shown through recycled images from NATURE DOCUMENTARIES underlined by DRAMATICAL MUSIC. One sequence of a WAVE crashing to SHORE is repeated FIVE TIMES.
Amoebae? In a Brad Pitt movie?
This is MY movie, folks. And watch it, Or i will introduce bad CGI dinosaurs.
He DOES. We see BAD CGI DINOSAURS on screen. ONE DINOSAURS shows MERCY.
Wait, did he just try to show us the main message of the movie with Dinosaurs????!
How deranged is that? We want Brad Pitt back!
Those are Palme d’Or winning Dinosaurs! Ha!
But alright then… Asteroid time!
A sequence follows copied STRAIGHT out of 2001:A SPACE ODYSSEY. We then, finally, return to the MAIN PLOTLINE
Plotline? Oh. Thát plotline. That was one hour ago.
No..30 minutes…still 1.5 hours left.
EXT. US 1950’s
BRAD PITT behaves BADLY to HIS CHILDREN, teaching them AMBITION, SELF RESPECT and PERSEVERANCE.
Praise the Lord!
I’m here to fill those gorgeously framed images of Terrence, and Brad Pitt behaves like a jerk, but i keep smiling.
This goes on FOR AGES. After a series of REPETITIVE SCENES that involve a YOUNG BOY WITH ONE FACIAL EXPRESSION and violent agression towards PATCHES OF GRASS and HEAVY SYMBOLISM about the RELATION OF MANKIND to GOD (featuring WHISPERING VOICES), we cut back to SEAN PENN on a SALT PLAIN.
EXT. SALT PLAIN
Wow. This movie was a 2 hour dream sequence to symbolize my broken father-son relationship. Nevertheless i will now walk on a metaphorical beach towards a metaphorical sunset together with the rest of the cast.
We want our money back!
Hey, i just reunited science and religion in 137 minutes. You should thank me for that.